Issue #8: My Son's Behavior Isn't A Measurement of Me As a Mother

But please, can you just listen to your teacher?!

There is a post on Instagram that proclaims that your second born child is a manifestation of everything you repressed growing up, everything you weren’t allowed to be.

If that’s the case, then my inner child was aching to strip off my clothes, to lie right to adults’ faces, to possess incredible selective hearing, and to overall, run wild. 

Oh my sweet second boy. He is a magical mystery that keeps me on my toes. 

But while he may lean towards the feral side at home, he’s always been very well behaved at school. 

Until a couple weeks ago. It was then that my phone started ringing. 

He wasn’t the first of my kiddos to give me a run for my money when it came to the school contacting home. When my oldest son started kindergarten two years prior, the calls and emails started coming in within the first couple of weeks; I was taken back and flustered initially. 

I don’t believe I ever got in trouble at school growing up. Not once. It would have haunted me, shamed me for weeks, if I ever was spoken to. There was never a call home to my parents, never a note that needed signing to show acknowledgement of a misdemeanor of any sort. 

My oldest’s offenses were typical kindergarten boy antics and we kept the reminders flowing. “Keep your hands to yourself.” “Listen to your teachers.” “Do not scream ‘poop’ in class.” And after a volunteer session in the school library, where I witnessed 95% of the boys rolling on the ground as ninjas, my concern decreased dramatically. 

He still had some ups and downs through the year and during first grade, but they became less, and were resolved pretty quickly. Now in second grade, I’ve seen a more mature student evolve and it’s been reassuring.

My second child however was much more reserved at preschool and the first few months of kindergarten, his quiet, sweet demeanor was all the school knew. 

Until post-February break. Four calls home in less than two weeks. A couple minor issues, a couple bigger ones. All causing frustration, anxiety, and stress for child, parents, and school alike.

Every time the school calls me - more often than I ever expected - whether it be the teacher, the principal, or the school nurse, it’s as if a mini fire alarm goes off in my body. I have a tiny moment of panic: vomiting!? fighting!? injury!? 

The most common reason is usually the school nurse reporting a minor injury for one of my two sons at that school (“A cubby door smacked him in the face” or “He ran into a pole at recess” or my personal favorite “Someone threw paper at him in art class but I don’t see any cuts”) but lately, it’s been several behavior reports and these cause a whole different set of emotions to flare up. 

I typically find myself apologizing profusely, reassuring the authority on the other end that I’ll address this behavior at home, that we’re on top of it. 

And we are. As parents, my husband and I strive to teach our children right from wrong, to treat others with respect, how to make smart decisions and not be influenced by other kids, and while they are far from perfect (as we all are!!), when our boys started elementary school, I never fathomed them being “troublemakers” in any way. 

But over the past couple of weeks, post-calls, I’ve gotten to thinking about this all a bit differently. 

While I wholeheartedly agree that my son’s behavior hasn’t been beautiful by any means, he is six years old. It’s been overall harmless. He’s testing boundaries, with teachers, with friends. He’s become more comfortable at school, which, in one sense, is a good thing.

He’s learning. 

He is not bad. His behavior isn’t desirable, but he’s not bad. No child is. 

The next conclusion may sound simple but it’s been a bit harder to wrap my head around: his behavior is his. It’s not mine. So why am I apologizing? Why am I mortified? Why do I feel like I’ve failed in parenting? Am I - gasp - a crappy mom?

Why do we feel judged as mothers when our children don't do as told, as expected?

It’s all too easy to view our child’s behavior as a result of our ability to parent. If you parent well, your child should behave well, that makes sense, right? But considering I’m decently confident in teaching my kids right from wrong… why is my son still not behaving perfectly at school?

Because, I remind myself, he’s not a carbon copy of me; he’s an individual. Parenting isn’t a scientific equation with perfect results every single time. By putting in A, you don’t always get B. We can provide all the examples we want, we can drive home the lessons, but he will ultimately need to act on those himself. 

And as a stubborn, strong-willed child, it may take him some trial and error.

This revelation feels like a bit of a lightbulb moment. Aha yes!

I do not judge friends when I hear stories of their childrens’ mishaps. I support and console them as they navigate how to handle it. I reassure them - because I truly believe - that they are doing an amazing job, that kids will just mess up, over and over and over again. 

So I'm trying to give myself that same grace. 

But then - ready!? - the double-sided sword: if it’s not purely “my fault” if my kid has a bad day or moment at school, then that also means it’s not “my fault” when they are on their best behavior either. I don't get to claim “best mom ever” when they shine. Yes, my parenting may have influenced that, but they did it on their own. 

Separating myself - and my worth and my value as a mother - from my sons’ behavior is really hard for me. While I understand it at its core, it’s hard for me to be fully convinced. But I’m working on it. I’m focusing on not apologizing, on reevaluating any boundaries and lessons we need to reinforce at home, but at the end of the day, having faith that my boys will learn and mature as time goes on.

And I will be there by their side helping them however needed - I get to do that.

I get to help them learn better, I get to help them navigate these dicey real life situations, at school, with friends. How lucky are they, that they have parents who want to help them to learn instead of just to punish. How lucky am I to get to do that with these crazy beautiful hilarious creatures.

There isn’t a clear answer or solution at the end of this essay. I don’t have any amazing tips or tricks on how to get your kids to behave. Sometimes bribing with Pokemon cards is all I have the energy for. Other times, simple, at their level, face-to-face chats work wonders.

They are learning, sometimes getting it right, sometimes, not so. 

And so am I.

If you’re new here, welcome! We’ve gathered a few favorite posts to help you dive right in:

• Real talk on surviving and thriving while solo parenting (+ powerful stories from incredible single moms!)

• Amelia finds her footing on the slopes, one run at a time!

• A heartwarming coffee date with our new mom selves

Rose:

Amelia - I’ve been thinking a lot this week about a conversation I had with my therapist recently about the metaphorical buckets we all have. When you add to one, you’re often pouring from another. Saying YES to one thing means saying NO to many other things. That idea has really stuck with me this week. I’ve been intentionally saying yes to daily movement, hydration, vegetables, reading, and connecting with friends and it’s felt really good! (Liz: Love this reminder xo)

Liz - I’m not athletic and would typically pick cozy chats on the couch over outdoor games, but lately, shooting hoops outside has been a surprisingly lovely - and effective - way to connect with my oldest son. It was easier for him to tell me about something that upset him at school the other day in this type of environment. I feel like I’ve unlocked a hidden parenting tool to use at my disposal; I see it being quite useful in the future…

Also, if you can’t tell from many of my past “Roses”, I’m a big reader. This week, I devoured the book The Tell in only four days but it’ll be staying with me much, much longer. Anyone else read this too!?

Thorn:

Amelia - I don’t know if it’s the lack of sunshine the past few days, but my kids have definitely been a little crabby. It feels like we’ve all woken up on the wrong side of the bed more than once this week… Safe to say, we’re more than ready for the weekend!

Liz - The tattle-telling between my boys is at an all-time high lately and it’s just so draining and frustrating. I can’t tell you how many times I've repeated some version of “Focus on yourself only!”… (Amelia: Oh my goodness, our version of this lately has been the nonstop picking at each other. Honestly, I’ve reached for my noise-canceling headphones more than once while making dinner this week...)

Bud:

Amelia - We’re heading to Maine later today, and even though the weather looks crummy, I’m still so excited. Our time there always feels like a much needed, long overdue exhale. We fall into such a peaceful rhythm when we’re there: painting pottery, visiting our favorite bookshops, enjoying the change in seasons and dining at some of our go to spots (this sushi restaurant is a favorite!). It’s simple, but it brings us all so much comfort. (Liz: I’m so jealous! Please bombard me with Maine pics!!)

Liz - Our bikes are out, scooters are flying down the driveway, flowers are blooming, spring is coming people! I’m excited to open windows and get outside more and more (see mention of shooting bballs above)!

** Thank you so much for reading Liz’s personal essay. It truly means the world to us to have you here, sharing in this ever-evolving journey of motherhood.

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